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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29651754">The Streets that lead you home and the highway lights that guide you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vagrant25/pseuds/Vagrant25'>Vagrant25</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV), Hawaii Five-0 (2010)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Buck knew about Daniel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:34:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,676</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29651754</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vagrant25/pseuds/Vagrant25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Buck knows about Daniel.</p><p>Maddie knows about Daniel. </p><p>-<br/>They both decide to tell each other at the same time, however Buck doesn’t know the whole story. Maddie doesn’t know Buck’s whole story.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>88</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Yo this purely self indulgent trash literally so sorry but don’t take this too seriously. I know nothing about the SEALs or the CIA also i based one scene on an episode of Quantico- so that’s fun. Um yeah if you want to talk to me about this trash universe I’m building in my head feel free to leave a comment also straight up my memory be so bad I don’t remember a ton about either show but I’m mostly caught up on 911 however the Hawaii Five Oh aspect is likely to be shit bc I haven’t seen that show in forever and if i start googling things about it I’m gonna want to do a rewatch and i frankly already watch too much tv ALSO the tenses might go a little wacky if that messes you up so sorry but also maybe don’t read if mistakes like that bother you wbk</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Buck doesn’t even know what possesses him to do it. Now, looking back he wonders if it was fate, if the universe wanted to prove that Maddie and him were actually destined to hurt one another through half truths, and white lies the rest of their lives. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maddie, do you know who this is?”, he says it nonchalantly- it’s Daniel riding a bike. There are various different responses he expects from her- that it just some neighborhood kid, or a childhood best friend she had forgotten, he had even heard their mother correct Maddie sternly once that she was too old to be making up imaginary friends like Daniel (at the time Buck didn’t understand- and he wouldn’t until years later figure out how their parents had gaslit Maddie and refused to acknowledge Daniel had ever existed). He thought she didn’t know, he thought she deserved to know- he holding the only picture he had seen of Daniel, putting a face to a name that had haunted him for six years. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both spoke simultaneously,”It’s Daniel”, and then for a second there was silence before they both realized what the other said. Buck shifted away from Maddie and took in her shocked face, “You know about Daniel?” Maddie questioned in surprise. Buck is puzzled- he can’t fathom a world where Maddie would know they had a brother- a brother who died, who Buck had never been able to live up to because he hadn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>lived, </span>
  </em>
  <span>where she would know why their parent had never been able to really look at him, where he had always wondered </span>
  <em>
    <span>why he wasn’t enough </span>
  </em>
  <span>and had </span>
  <em>
    <span>known about their perfect dead brother</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Buck can’t keep the accusations out of his tone, both of them are aware enough to hear them , </span>
  <em>
    <span>“You know about Daniel?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>. Suddenly sitting at the table, looking at Maddie’s baby box feels too suffocating, his brain is making millions of connections in seconds. “I always thought it was you and me, Maddie and Evan-“, he can’t help but spit  out the name that doesn’t fit him anymore, “a </span>
  <em>
    <span>united front!” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He isn’t yelling mainly because he’s shocked that Maddie </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Evan, how do you know about Daniel, how long have you known? Why didn’t you tell me,-“ Maddie cuts herself realizing that Buck is practically vibrating. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck starts pacing, “I found out six years ago- how was I supposed to prove to you that we had a dead brother when I had never even seen a picture of him. I know Mom and Dad had gotten mad with you more than once because of your “imaginary friend” Daniel, eventually you stopped bringing him up so I figured you had forgotten. How was I supposed to know that this whole you and Mom and Dad had all been in on this the whole time?” There is a fire in his breath that hasn’t been there, directed to Maddie in a way it never had before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maddie was speaking through tears, “Evan, Mom and Dad made me promise never to tell you. Daniel had died a year after you were born- leukemia. They didn’t know that I knew until I left for college- they thought they had convinced me that my own brother was a figment of my imagination. That I didn’t know why-“ she stood up reaching for Buck’s hand, Buck however was replaying her words in his head. Flinching back from her grasp, “Why, what, Maddie?” He tried making eye contact with her but she kept her gaze firmly on the ground. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maddie, I can’t-“ he slowly was edging towards the door he couldn’t be here with anymore, he was too angry and he refused to scare his sister because he couldn’t deal with his own emotions. “Evan, wait-“he stopped briefly, his hand on the door knob, still facing his sister with his back to the door, “i know why you were born, Evan. I know why you were born.” Her words hanged the air for a beat too long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck dropped his hand from the door, “Maddie, what are you saying?”, suddenly leaving the room was less important than hoping in vain that the truth wasn’t what he thought it was. His heart was beating fast and his brain started working itself in circles trying to deny the only logical conclusion his brain could come too, Buck being </span>
  <em>
    <span>born a year before Daniel died- an attempt to save Daniel from childhood leukemia. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maddie shook her head helplessly, “Evan, please, you know-“ Buck interrupted,”No, Maddie, I obviously don’t know the whole story do I?” He gestured to his own enraged confused face. Maddie breathed deeply trying not to cry again,”None of us were a match for a bone marrow transplant, so Mom and Dad-“ and Bucks heart began to beat too loud for him to hear what Maddie was saying. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck hadn’t even realized that he was walking backwards until his shoulders hit the door and the door knob jammed into his lower back. Desperately he tried to slow his breathing, breathing through his nose and out through his mouth, tried hopelessly to remember what Dr.Copeland had taught him to manage his anxiety which was threatening to overwhelm him. Buck cursed under his breath. He kept cursing as he tried to get the door open, struggling with the lock, Maddie he realized was speaking to him softly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He threw himself back into the door, as she tried to grab his shoulder, “No.Shit.I. No.” Buck didn’t even realize he speaking out loud until he saw the hurt expression on Maddie’s face. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maddie moved back slowly and Buck tried to gain control of his breathing however it became clear that he wouldn’t be able to stop hyperventilating until he wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>here. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yanking the door open, Buck was relieved- his brain betraying him in that moment </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wow,he even struggled opening a door no wonder he couldn’t save Daniel, no wonder his parents couldn’t love him, </span>
  </em>
  <span>which caused his heart to stutter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he walked quickly out the door, he called back, “Don’t call Maddie. I’m serious- I need- I need some time to think. I’ll care when I’m ready to talk’’, he knew it wasn’t fair but in that moment he didn’t exactly care, his whole world had been turned on its head and then he was in his car driving back to his apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remembering that Albert would likely be there and would be waiting given the fact that Chim would have no doubt explained the explosive family dinner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck hadn’t even realized that his subconscious had made a decision- which frankly driving while not paying attention was one of the dumber things he had done recently beyond even revealing to Maddie that he knew part of the Buckley Family Secret. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned off his Jeep and looked out at the near empty park. Faintly he could feel his phone vibrating showing that he had two missed calls from Chimney, and one text from Albert- he had to give it to Maddie he had told </span>
  <em>
    <span>her </span>
  </em>
  <span>not to call he hadn’t even thought about telling Chimney the same. He frowned Chimney must have known he was a failure of a Saviour Sibling- Maddie had told Chimney first and CHimney was his brother in every way that mattered and hadn’t told him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sighing slightly he sent a text to Bobby explaining that he wouldn’t be in for his shift the next day- a part of him hated missing work- but he can’t imagine having to go in and pretend that he’s had enough time to process it all. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Reassuring Bobby he was fine and that he would be turning off his phone- </span>
  <em>
    <span>that no I’m not going to do anything reckless I promise</span>
  </em>
  <span>- and finally doing that gave him some room to breathe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck wondered why he was always so sure the worst had already happened. He had been ready to have such a difficult discussion with Maddie- he even had a lie ready to explain how he found out about Daniel which now in retrospect is ironic given that hadn’t even known the full truth and was ready to take his secret to the grave just like his parents. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck thought back to leaving the SEALs- a story he has told in several iterations over the years tailoring it to fit how he was feeling in the hopes of explaining how he was feeling without giving anything away. Rubbing at his birthmark, he sighed he should’ve known. Truly, he should’ve known there was more to the story- and maybe some part of him has always known, some dark deep part of his brain had been chanting this truth quietly into his subconscious </span>
  <em>
    <span>you are a failure, you have been so close to being enough but never actually are, couldn’t even depend on your parents to love you,couldn’t even save Daniel </span>
  </em>
  <span>ever since he had found out about him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck looks up at the sky and softly laughs at how jaded he had been when he left the SEALs. There isa moment when you’re at the induction ceremony where they give you an out. Buck had heard about it during training- thought about all the different people who thought he might need it even though privately he always had thought it was weak. How, when he heard it, when he actually contemplated having to turn off his emotions constantly, when that became real to him- Buck could do it, he knows he told Bobby that he couldn’t, but Buck had always been ashamed of who he became when he did, driven solely by logic and completing the task at hand he buried things so deep it was always too painful to ever feel them again- Buck knew that he had to take the out like those that knew him thought he would need too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It hurt- to know that everyone that had mentioned it to him had seen him clearer than he had seen himself, that they all thought he couldn’t do it. Now he knows those people, commanding officers-to-be had thought not that he couldn’t but that he shouldn’t- some had even tried to explain that to him then but he couldn’t bear to hear words that he thought were born out of pity. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wouldn’t be until months later when he had reinvented himself again- however now under the employ of the CIA, on a team that didn’t exist, gathering information in South American and Europe- that their words would come back to him and he could admit that they had merit; he was motivated differently by his emotions- it gave him an edge, to never accept defeat, to always try to outsmart and come out on top which is would have been wasted in the SEALs. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He thinks back to walking out of the SEALs- to the tightness of his shoulders, carrying the shame of bowing out in front the group of guys he’d been through hell with- how he blinked in the sunlight and met the eyes of a tiny woman leaning slightly against his car. How he assessed that despite her size, she was likely more dangerous than he could fathom. The conversation had been stilted and had a tense undertone given that despite how she presented herself, Buck felt like there were eyes on him beyond the tiny frightening woman in front of him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He remembers how he had grabbed the card she offered, gave a firm goodbye and began driving the opposite direction of home. He can still remember pulling into a crowded shopping center parking lot and reading the card completely taken aback by the acronym staring back at him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thrown he had flipped the card over haphazardly between his fingers- seeing a slight indentation of letters which sent him scrabbling to figure out a puzzle he hadn’t even known would completely change his life. The note reading a threatening </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t Let Us Catch Up, </span>
  </em>
  <span> he puzzled over it for barely a second before thinking back to the eyes he had felt on him during his conversation with Agent Williamson. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Up and out of his car, leaving his phone, most of clothes and his own belongings- he grabbed all the cash he had, a hat, and a backpack which only had a book, a journal and a change of clothes. He couldn’t deny the rush of adrenaline he had as he tipped the hat down lower on his face and walked out of the parking lot to the bus station on the corner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Weeks later after the initial test, he was met with an exercise he had to admit he had felt entirely too sure of. The recruits had been tasked with finding out the darkest secret of their friends. While Buck had not connected with any of the other people- he was entirely too comfortable being by himself and sending Maddie postcards that he ordered online. The girl he had been assigned had given up her baby for adoption when she was fifteen- Buck hadn’t felt comfortable throwing it in her face, had tried to ease her into the fact that her personal tragedy had been found out and was now being basically broadcast to everyone she was going to be interacting with for the next couple of months if she stayed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually he had to come out and present her with the birth certificate he had found- he watched as her face went white and her hands began to shake, deciding at that moment that he refused to take this any further he pushed across the interview table a Manila folder that had pictures of her daughter. He stood up briskly and nodded to her the “test” proctor stating he was done- no Elise needed to see her face when she saw her daughter likely for the first time in years. She nodded tightly to him as she left and Buck took his seat on the other side of the table without not her thought. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t really have any deep secrets- admittedly being kicked out of college and dropping out of the SEALs looked bad, he knew why he was here and he wouldn’t be ashamed of the things that led him here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck can’t help but chuckle at his boldness at the time, he ran his hands through his hair as he was brought back to the present by the sounds of someone jogging past- he smiled slightly and realized he must look pretty rough because the lady winced as she waved. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she fades from sight Buck can’t help but fall into contemplation once more- remembering the face of Jake Leier sitting across from him looking so smug. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He can still remember the other man's words,”Well. Evan, you really let us think that you were open book- I mean we all know that you got kicked out of college for reckless behavior, that you left the SEALs because you couldn’t commit, and that you seem to excel unbelievably </span>
  <em>
    <span>here </span>
  </em>
  <span>-‘’ he can still remember how he paused for dramatic effect, the asshole, “told everyone you could about the amazing sister, Maddie, the nurse. It’s frankly crazy that you never mentioned your other family,” he can still remember the way his whole body had been pulled taut with tension, how his breath had been stuck in his throat, ‘’You never mention you Mom or your Dad, any reason for that Buckley?” Buck feels the anger that he felt that day pulse through him, the way Jake had decided to use this moment to wage a war on his abilities. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He breathes out slowly through his mouth, trying to remind himself that he doesn’t actually feel attacked like he had in that moment- that Jake isn’t even alive to taunt him the way he had. Buck winces as he remembers how he had answered,”Didn’t realize you cared so much about Leier, if you wanted to talk about my family you could have juts taken me on a date?’, it hadn’t been a dig at Jake’s sexuality even if the other man had thought it was. Buck had been sarcastic and biting and hit a little too close to home for the other man,” You know Buckley, I almost went easy on you, I saw the hospital reports that showed you in and out the hospital basically your whole life- always with some crazy story of recklessness- and the police report that said your Dad had beat you half to death before the police could even get there when you were kicked out-“.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck hadn’t been shaken- Leier at the time thought he had a hole in one however buck knew he Dad hadn’t spent his childhood beating him up, he spent it avoiding his eyes and face unless he was hurt- always a million miles away unless he was broken and bleeding until even that faded. Leier had noticed the lack of response from Buck and frowned before doubling down, “I mean I get why you would be ashamed- you are such a big tough dude now, but you lied for you dad your whole life and then when he broken ribs and your face open you decided to be a coward and not press charges. I can’t imagine what it must be like knowing you never were the son he wanted- that you were simply a replacement for the perfect son who died of leukemia- do you think he even loved you? I bet he didn’t. Ibet he couldn’t even look you in the eye because you were such a disappointment compared to his first son.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck remembers how the second Leier had brought up Daniel his face which previously had shown how unbothered he was by the whole ordeal was wiped clean of any and all emotion. How he couldn’t even believe that his own parents, even with all their failings had never told him he had a brother. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The “test'' proctor interrupts, letting them know their time is up, and before Leier can even stand up or react Buck is reaching across and snatching the folder from his hands. He bypasses the hospital reports and the police report and stares at a birth certificate and death certificate for the brother he never even knew he had. He doesn’t bother to hide the grief on his face- he remembers now with startling clarity how he never thought Leier was lying even though he had been so off base about his father, Buck had known with his guts that </span>
  <em>
    <span>Daniel Elliot Buckley was real and he was dead </span>
  </em>
  <span>and Buck had never wanted to scream more than he did right now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had folded them gently, and had always kept them with him until he had lost them in a fire- Buck can’t help but chuckle at the irony- when he was in Peru, uncover as a bartender at night using his days to gather information on the local police and militia which had been reeking havoc not just on the city but internationally through human trafficking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck didn’t even realize that he was crying until he heard his own hitching breaths. Buck let out a sob into the darkness and the stars- he realized belatedly maybe losing his shit completely in a public park was a terrible idea however the other options were go home and be confronted by Albert, or go stay in a hotel during a literal pandemic, or go to one of friends house and try to explain that </span>
  <em>
    <span>no, I don’t want to talk about, I’m fine, no i just can’t go home right now</span>
  </em>
  <span> and he knows how that would go over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bucks sighs, wiping his face, and heads back to his car, for a second his just sits and rests his head on the steering wheel, knowing that the second he turns on his phone he’s going to be bombarded with messages. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Taking a deep breath he steels himself, turning on his phone he idly turns the car on and flicks through the different radio stations as his phone goes through the final stages of powering on. He’s suddenly glad that he had turned off the sound and vibration before he turned it off, knowing that if he had to listen to phone beep rapidly he likely would have thrown his phone out the window. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Putting in his password he sees thankfully, that Chimney had only called him another three times before resorting to just leaving a text message which said </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please just let us know you are safe</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Buck couldn’t help but fume. He told Maddie he needed time to think, he didn’t want to be hounded, and frankly even if Chim didn’t know it Buck and him weren’t on good terms at the moment either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Still Buck can’t help but sigh and shoot off a quick </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m fine, I just need some space </span>
  </em>
  <span> and looks through to see he has a missed call from Eddie and a text message which just says </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cap says you took tomorrow off- I didn’t even know you knew there was such a thing as sick days </span>
  </em>
  <span>the text is sent after his call, so Buck assumes that nothings wrong. However it does imply that Bobby and Eddie talked about him which makes him- </span>
  <em>
    <span>uneasy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He is surprised when a notification pops up from Grace “Monkey” Williams- it simply says </span>
  <em>
    <span>You will never guess where I am </span>
  </em>
  <span>, which makes him snort given that she would text him something like that if she was in LA. Then Buck frowns, he knows she went back home to see her dad just before lockdowns began he could’ve sworn she had sent him a text saying that she was thinking of staying- something about Danny being lonely because Steve went on a trip to discover himself- and that she enjoyed seeing Charlie and all her friends- apparently her and Kono had gotten an apartment together because Grace was able to convince her that they should both be near Ohana. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck twitched slightly at his own thoughts- how he never really felt comfortable with his biological family, how his parents always seemed to love some aspect of him that was unknown to him and in ways that were never enough, how even with his firehouse family he felt out place at times, how there were parts of him large swathes of time and instances and people that he would likely never tell them about, how back when Buck had met Danny during a grocery store robbery (Buck had seen the robbers gun and a blonde with a teenage girl hiding behind him and reacted on instinct disarming the dude before he even registered the possible danger, he had been shocked to know Danny was a cop) the other man introduced him to his family and Buck had left for LA even though that was the closest thing to family he had ever known. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck will never regret leaving for LA- it was something he had to do, being a firefighter was such an ingrained part of him now he can’t imagine being anything else. Still he knows why he was good at undercover work, this innate ability to reshape everything about himself and become someone new wasn’t new to him in fact it had saved his ass a couple of times. Now though he wondered if he still had it in him, if he could disappear from LA, from the friends and his pregnant sister, from the love he held for saving people- he was slightly afraid of the answer honestly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Glancing idly at the clock showing that it was close to 2 am, he grinned slightly, Grace had always been like a little sister to him even if both of them hadn’t spoken regularly in months, he hoped that whatever brought her back to LA would be a sufficient distraction to the way his personal life had just imploded with unseen repercussions he would likely have to deal with eventually. Sending her a quick message </span>
  <em>
    <span>Drop a pin I could probably be wherever you are in under an hour</span>
  </em>
  <span> he knew that it was an exaggeration seeing as he had no idea where she was but he wasn’t surprised when she responded quickly however her message did confuse him </span>
  <em>
    <span>home dumbass </span>
  </em>
  <span> with a link for a residential area around 40 minutes away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pulling from the parking lot he was idly glad the universe had intervened, he would rather solve the mystery of what grace was doing here then try to think logistically about the current state of his family and interpersonal relationships. He began to bop along to the radio, and rolled down the window to let the cool air funnel through the Jeep. Sighing he gave into the part of his brain which had been twisting in on itself since Grace's first message and called her, she answered in typically Grace fashion, “Doe, you should pick up some chicken nuggets- i assume we are gonna stay up to catch up.” Then hung up, shaking his head at the young woman’s actions he couldn’t help but chuckle. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This night has definitely taken a less depressing turn </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thought as he got on the highway. He let the feelings and thoughts about finding out about his parents lies of omission and Maddie’s betrayal, about the feeling of failure that festered in his chest, his own grief about the brother he never knew, fade away as he focused on the drive and the highway lights. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yellow, homies, this is a part 2 of the trash universe that lives in my brain and gives me very vivid dreams about McDs. Also like there is not a ton planned out here in terms of story so if you have suggestions or things you want to see please leave a comment truly my brain churns out the same tired storylines so please help me out ALSO yikes if you don’t ship McDanno i like forgot that some people don’t and in this universe its canon that they are in love but also dumb assholes who can’t get it together</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buck can’t help the way his thoughts start swirling in endless circles. There’s a mystery here- Grace being here and no call from Danny pointed to strange happenings. Although he didn’t keep up too regularly with the WIlliams - he never wanted to seem too familiar, needy- but he did get the every couple of months update from Danny, so that means Grace likely was operating outside of her father’s knowledge. </p><p> </p><p>Sighing he contemplated, briefly, calling Danny to see if he knew what Grace was up to but knowing Grace that would possibly throw a wrench in her plans. Frankly it was Buck’s own curiosity that kept him from making the call- he would always have the time to call Danny if things somehow took a turn and were actually dangerous. </p><p> </p><p>He doubted it would actually reach this point, he can’t truly imagine that Grace would get herself involved in something and not reach out to Danny or Steve. Danny has complained briefly that Grace was turning into a “normal” teenager- keeping things from him and lying but nothing that pointed to something that would actively endanger her life. </p><p> </p><p>Buck wonders though if growing up with Danny and Steve as basically superheroes has made Grace want the same life of action and risk. He can understand the allure, he is <em>literally</em> a firefighter. He doubts though, that she is here because she needs <em>his</em> help- the Williams’ were his first phone call when he found out that he made it through the fire academy and was starting at the 118.</p><p> </p><p> It was a big deal because Buck had finally said that wanted things to be less complicated and Danny had pointed out that if that’s what he really wanted then he would have to be comfortable telling the truth. It was Danny who had whispered in Buck’s head that day he walked into the 118 <em>Be as much yourself as you can and maybe you will find what you’re looking for</em>- Buck had let that settle in his heart as he tried to reach out to the 118 (truth be told he was surprised at the ease they had gotten along and the ease at which they made assumptions). It had been a sort of promise to himself that he wouldn’t go back to breaking himself apart to sell a lie or to keep himself comfortable.</p><p> </p><p>He can’t help still, the way that the possibility of having to unearth that version of himself starts to shred at his composure- admittedly he was skating on thin ice mentally so it wasn’t like that was unusual. It was funny how the 118 took to the joke of the versions and evolutions of Buck 1.0 to 3.0- that wasn’t something he had never done, he knows that to them he must have never thought what he was doing was wrong, he doubted he would ever explain that when he was choosing which parts of himself to show them he had chosen his need for love and validation because it was one of the most true aspects of himself.</p><p> </p><p> Growing and changing were too similar in his own mind. He knows that even as he made a family here and a life here that there would always be this disconnect, this dissonance between who he was and who they thought he was. However that had less to do with the secrets he kept and the parts of himself he protected with walls so thick no one knew they were there. He was never afraid to make himself an open book in the hopes that no one would look to deeply at the pages- that’s what sold an identity for months on end; the understanding that most people no matter how open were slightly unknowable and feeding into that mystery in the most unobtrusive ways. Chim and Hen liked to joke about him growing up right before their eyes and it always pulls an echo of a memory to the forefront of Buck’s mind; the commendations for how quickly he could shift into someone else, how easy it was for him to drop the old identities and only answer to new names and faces and cues. The way other people would whisper as say that <em>Buckley is good at undercover work because his tether to himself is so weak that he can cut it himself every time</em> which had bounced around in his head for a second too long before he put it in a box and tried to never think about it. He never told Dr.Copeland about his time with the CIA- he had skirted around where he could and edited out names and people that he thought were unimportant- he knew that she knew there was something he was holding back. Truly he wouldn’t be surprised if she had some guesses about the “lives he’s lived” as she said. </p><p> </p><p>Putting the car in park, he takes in the home in front of him. It was a single story house on the corner lot, a large window facing the street with curtains drawn however light was still visibly on. Buck grabbed his mask and the McDonalds bag which had made his whole car smell like grease. </p><p> </p><p>His eyes scanned along the front of the house as he walked- he took note of three cameras along the front of the house, a movement activated flood light which nearly blinded him, and the quiet sound of a dog barking at the door. While he wasn’t actually surprised when Grace opened the door and he saw a gun first, he didn’t hesitate to give her a hard time, “Woah, there Monkey, you are about to take my eye out- I doubt even I could keep being a firefighter if I had to overcome partial blindness!” He moves forward blocking the gun from any eyes and uses his hand to tap on the gun so she lowered it. </p><p> </p><p>Grace laughs and motions for him to come inside- he hears the click of two locks, the slide of the chain lock, and watches as she puts a security bar under the door knob. Grace sighs as she moves past him into the kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>Buck tries not to think of how he would get them out of there should something go sideways, he feels himself sway slightly and reaches for a gun he doesn’t even carry anymore. Part of him wants to be angry at Grace for shaking him up and in doing so  feed the monster of pain he has been trying to ignore but his brain can’t quite separate the perceived danger versus the real danger and everything is circling in his brain too fast. The larger part of him is settling down fast and taking in everything he can see glancing over the decor, the furniture, and Grace herself who looks slightly worn out. If the danger exists- even if it's only in his mind, then he is ready for it.</p><p> </p><p>As she opens the refrigerator, she calls over her shoulder, “So, Buck, what’s your workout regiment look like because frankly, you did not look this jacked the last time I saw you?”. Buck can’t help but laugh, it’s been years since they have seen each other in person and time has changed both of them. Buck still has roughly eight inches on her and has put on likely twenty pounds since his CIA days. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s all about being stronger, having better endurance so I can last longer under pressure,- especially when someone’s life is on the line and the fires surrounding us.” Grace nods setting two glasses on the table and pouring water from the jug she had grabbed from the fridge, “Back then, you needed to be fast, likely less imposing, obviously you were still capable of being vicious but for a lot shorter of a time because “no fight should last longer than 2 minutes’’, right?” She’s got a slight smile on her lips as she recalls Buck’s own advice from years ago. </p><p> </p><p>Buck nods, “What about you? I’m definitely not going to forget you opened your front door, gun drawn, any time soon. You got a permit for that right? Last thing I need is for you to get into some type of trouble and then your dad asks why I gave you a gun.” Grace rolls her eyes and idly drinks from her drink, Buck realizes she’s stalling. </p><p> </p><p>He pointedly does not try to fill the silence as she opens the McDonalds bag and grabs a box of nuggets, he does clear his throat loudly though. </p><p> </p><p>Grace sighs,”Of course I have a permit for my gun, you think I would break the law like that?-“ she snorts, “-and yeah, I make sure I’m in good enough shape that if I can take care of myself. I have been thinking about joining the force back home so I try to push myself, ya know, to be faster and stronger.” Buck nods in understanding. </p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t heard from Danny that Grace had been thinking of that- he hadn’t even heard that from Grace herself, the last time they talked she had been dead set on staying her course and completing her English degree. “What did your dad say when you told him?” He questions, knowing that Danny had always liked the idea of Charlie following in his footsteps. </p><p> </p><p>Grace frowns, “Why does everybody ask me that? OK, my decisions about my future don’t have to be defined by my father’s acceptance. Actually, you know what, I don’t want his acceptance, I don’t need it, I know myself and what I want and I want to do this” she speaks rapidly as her words slam into one another to get out. </p><p> </p><p>Buck waits for a beat, “ So you haven’t told him?” Grace laughs sadly and shakes her head in a no. Bucks sighs, removing his mask and grabs his own box of nuggets- munching,”You now, he’s going to be proud of you no matter what you decide to do with your life. You don’t have to know right now, no one is expecting you too. I mean look at me, I was a literal drifter for years before I settled into something for longer than eight months. And even then, a few years in, I realized that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. It wasn’t until I came here, to LA, to be a firefighter that I finally found my purpose.” </p><p> </p><p>There is a faint reference to things they both know, Buck can see Grace is holding something back and he thinks to himself maybe if he reminds her of that maybe she will break. Grace throws a napkin at him which smells faintly of ranch, “I know that, I just also know Danno, and he'll be all dramatic about it” she says even as she throws another napkin at him, “you’ve got ranch on your face, idiot”. </p><p> </p><p>Grace leans forward and places her elbows on the island counter, “I’m not here for career advice though. I don’t know if Danno told you, but Steve left Hawaii before the whole pandemic started.” Buck wipes his face roughly trying helplessly to process the words that she is saying.</p><p> </p><p>Buck doesn’t meet Grace’s eyes as his mind starts turning in on itself again- he always thought something was happening between Steve and Danny- he can’t stop the words as they leave his mouth, “They <em>broke up</em>? And <em>Danny</em> got the island?”. </p><p> </p><p>Grace shakes her head rapidly, “Listen, I can’t claim to understand the inner workings of the relationship between those two but I do know they were never, like, <em>officially</em> dating. A while back stuff went down, Danno got taken, Steve’s mom died, and when the dust finally settled- Danno was back home safe- Steve told Danny that he needed to essentially go find himself.” </p><p> </p><p>Buck nodded, the loss of a family member would definitely be something that would call for a vacation- although he can't quite picture Steve going on an <em>Eat, Pray, Love</em> thing to be honest. He has decided pointedly to himself that he won't even think about the fact that apparently Steve and Danny never got their shit together. </p><p> </p><p>“He decided to go with Catherine Rollins.” Buck briefly wonders if you can snap your own neck by moving too quickly as he whips his head to look at Grace in disbelief. Grace nods, “Yeah, it was a crazy time when everyone else found that out too. He kept in semi-regular contact with Danno- usually just texts saying where he was. Then apparently he was supposed to be heading back towards the west coast when travel restrictions began. It sucked but everyone back home got it.” </p><p> </p><p>Buck can tell that there must be something more because Grace’s face hardens slightly, “It’s been 3 weeks of radio silence. His last text to Danno said “I’ll call when I can” and then nothing”. </p><p> </p><p>Buck breathes deeply for a second - tries not to overwhelm himself and castrophise when knowing Steve, he truly might not have thought that was a worrying text, and if it was anyone else it might not have been. </p><p> </p><p>Buck knows that he was never really close with Steve partially because Steve and him were both too wary, too paranoid to trust the other, both knowing uniquely what it took to be successful at their previous jobs, and because Buck had latched onto Danny in a way that Buck had been latching onto people his whole life - always hoping that they would stay, always hoping that he could make them proud, always hoping he was enough. </p><p> </p><p>Buck could remember one of the few conversations they had one-on-one. It had been truthfully a contributing factor in his decision to head to LA and leave the island. Steve had said that he never questioned Buck’s place here among his friends and family but that he did think he had a right to know if Buck’s past would ever come back for him. Buck remembers looking at Steve and knowing immediately that no answer he gave would satisfy Steve’s own curiosity, Buck would have to do the one thing he had never been good at - tell the whole truth. </p><p> </p><p>He remembers looking out at the ocean and saying, “It was nice having a family for as long as I did,” and walking back towards the group chatting loudly. How he ignored Steve calling after him, and announced to the table at large that he was thinking of checking out LA. He can’t forget the way Steve hadn’t tried to speak to him again before he had packed up all his things from Danny’s place and explained to Danny again that he had never been too good at staying in one place- too much of a free spirit he had said, he had lied. </p><p> </p><p>Buck hadn’t been ready then to face the idea of being known beyond what he chose to tell people. He never thought that there would be physical manifestations of his past - admittedly there were missions that went badly, bad people that got away, his cover exposed twice which was two times more than he had hoped- but explaining the mental ghosts that followed him, that plagued his dreams and made him always look over his shoulder, had been enough to scare him away from one the first groups of people who didn’t have expectations of him based on what they thought his skills could provide. </p><p> </p><p>Buck has never deluded himself about the fact that he has been searching for love and acceptance and finding it in all the wrong places. He does sometimes wonder about the “what ifs?”. What if he had been able to be honest with Steve about the things he had seen and done? What if he had been able to be honest about how he felt? What if he had never gotten so good at lying? What if he had never gotten so good at making himself into something new- hoping it would one day be enough for his parents? These thoughts had always suffocated him at the worst moments- when he was on the plane to LA, when he started going by Buck at the firehouse, during the lawsuit when he couldn’t imagine breaking the promise he made to himself about never remaking himself from the ground up again, now when he found out that he was made to save a brother he never got to know and couldn’t even do that.</p><p> </p><p>Buck shakes his head roughly trying to remove the thoughts about his own, rather pathetic, situation from the forefront of his mind. He catches the quizzical look that slides across Grace’s face right before it's gone, “So, did you guys alert the police at his last known location, do you guys have an ongoing missing persons report?” he asks. </p><p> </p><p>Grace makes a noise of anger, “No, Danno thinks that they both-, Catherine and Steve-, went to ground. That they got mixed up in something the way they always do and now they have to lay low.” She says as she rips up another napkin. </p><p> </p><p>Buck cocks his head to the side, “But you think it’s more than that? You think Steve needs help and didn’t say anything?” He’s not disagreeing, just confused because Danny’s reasoning does seem pretty sound. </p><p> </p><p>Grace mumbles something before clearing her throat, “Look, my dad and Steve they aren’t on totally good terms. Danno, he- he feels abandoned, ya know?” Buck nods, it wasn’t often that you found Danny without Steve or vice versa, “And Steve never really reached back out, even when he could have, and I know Danno won’t admit it but part of him thinks that maybe Steve just got tired of keeping us updated- that he has just settled down with Catherine somewhere and they don’t want to be disturbed.”.</p><p> </p><p>Buck can’t help the full body wince he does upon hearing that. Grace sighs, ”But, I don’t think that. I just have this feeling that something <em>is wrong</em>. And Danno won’t listen to me- I have tried to explain, we just ended up fighting and then two weeks ago I got a negative test, got on a plane here, quarantined and then called you”. Buck doesn’t even wait for her to finish before he begins shaking his head- the Williams had a tendency to be too hot headed for their own good.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, you came to California, to LA, a hotspot, and didn’t even tell Danny before you got on the plane?” Now Grace scrunches her nose. </p><p> </p><p>“I sent him a text a few days ago, saying that I needed space and decided to come stay at friend’s - that I thought an ocean between might give him some perspective,” Buck can’t help but chuckle, Grace has always been a bit of a firecracker. </p><p> </p><p> However, none of this answers his real question, the one they have both been skirting around, the silence has fallen over them and Buck reads the clock above the oven which stares back 2:46, and Buck stares at Grace wondering briefly how he’s even supposed to handle this. </p><p> </p><p>Somehow everything she has said, Steve missing, her gut telling her somethings wrong and no one believing her, confirms what he had thought on the car ride over- she doesn’t need Buck, she needs <em>Richie</em>.</p><p> </p><p><em>Evan Richard Buckley</em>, he’s been cutting up pieces of himself to start new people his whole life. Buck knows the general outline of a good lie. He had too - that had been his life, he had to know just how much to say to blend in, or out. It had been easy going by Buck in LA, it had been a name out of necessity given the other Evans in his class at the academy, a nickname that he had come to love.</p><p> </p><p>It had been an adjustment having Maddie come back and hearing Evan more in one week than he had in the past seven years. When he had left Peru and the CIA behind and found something of a family in Hawaii he started going by Richard- he remembers how he hadn’t even stumbled when Danny had asked his name outside the tiny corner store, Richard had been out before he even decided that he was going to go by something new (years of practice he thinks have made him weary of giving out his name even to police). </p><p> </p><p>Danny had snorted and spoke <em>Well, Richie, I’m glad you were able to handle that situation in there, you are going to have to give your statement to this officer</em> before motioning with two fingers to a beat cop to come over. </p><p> </p><p>After Buck had given his full name to the police officer and heard Grace ask her dad <em>Can we ask Mr. Evan Richard Buckley to come get ice cream with us?</em> And Danny sighing You just want ice cream before he called over <em>Hey, Richie, let me buy you some ice cream, kid, as a thank you</em> and Buck hadn’t even known at the time that Danny wasn’t suspicious of him. At the time he had been paranoid and agreed mainly because he didn’t want it to be weird, and didn't want to stand out.</p><p> </p><p>Danny would later confirm that he thought Buck had been running from something and that while the blank years on his record had been explained away by backpacking in South America most of Five-Oh had their own ideas of what he had been through. As Buck had gotten closer to them and he got a feeling for how dangerous their lives were, he had finally admitted to his brief CIA work. </p><p> </p><p>No one had been surprised, they had seen him fight and shoot, and lie to everyone’s benefit. The Five-Oh were a group that operated outside of the police force so there was always some type of tension or secret or if this person asks ‘then we were all doing this on this day’ kind of thing. Buck never had any problems keeping the lies straight and Kono had joked <em>Maybe that should have been the first sign that you were holding out on us.</em> At the time Buck had blushed and everyone had laughed and Chin had said <em>That’s what you picked up on? We literally saw him take down like five guys and put Steve on his back by accident!</em> Which had only made Buck’s face turn an even dark shade of red and Steve to say that he had been taken by surprise.</p><p> </p><p>Buck realizes blankly that he only has two nuggets left and wonders how long he’s been stuck in his own memories. He glances at Grace and sees that her gaze is fixed toward the wall to the left, unseeing. </p><p> </p><p>“Grace, what are you doing here?” He hadn’t meant to sound as tired as he felt but it did drag Grace back to the present. She just looked at him for a second, eyes trailing across his face- he wonders if he looks as out of sorts as he feels. </p><p> </p><p>“I think somethings wrong, I can feel it. I’m going to find Steve, no matter what it takes. Buc-Richie, I’m here because I need help and I know that you and Danno were close - he basically views you as his third kid - and I guess the real reason I’m here, is to ask if you are in?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck keeps his face closed. His mind is running through the paces- jumping once again from thought to thought. He has changed so much from those days - he doesn’t even really know how much use he could be to Grace. He has a life here, family- however dysfunctional and disjointed it is. He also knows that the truth never stays hidden, especially not when the past comes back for a favor - he has never wanted to talk with his firefam about any part of his past, never felt like it would bond them, only make them distrust him and treat him like more of a loose canon. </p><p> </p><p>Now with Maddie, it already feels like he’s losing his family - that everything he has ever known was a lie, he knows that this betrayal he feels is finding every crack in him and pushing him until he crumbles under the weight of knowing. Before when he thought that his parents had loved him briefly before tragedy struck, that they had always been grieving Daniel, and maybe even saw Daniel every time they looked at him - he had been able to feel sympathy for them for the child they had lost, to feel angry that they were always comparing him to someone who never had a chance to make mistakes. Now he knows that he was made to save Daniel -  that he had inadvertently given them false hope, only for it to not be enough - and that he had failed, he wonders if they ever loved him or if they had always seen him as a necessary evil they had to brave to save their son. </p><p> </p><p>He knows that if he agrees to help Grace, there will be questions from the team of his change because, if he’s going to be any use to her, then he’s going to need to be someone he’s never been to the team. He’s going to have to box up Maddie’s revelation and deal with it when he’s ready, and focus not only on seeming normal to everyone else but zero in on whatever Grace has planned. </p><p> </p><p>He imagines that someone is going to try to make him deal with it and then when he refuses there will be some type of intervention. He can’t imagine that it would go over well, or at all.</p><p> </p><p>He sighs knowing, the same way that Grace does that something <em>is</em> wrong, that if he makes this choice it won’t end <em>well</em>. He knows that Grace has convinced him something is up, there is a steel in her eyes that he hasn’t ever seen and Steve has always been like her second dad, her <em>Uncle Steve</em>. Buck has never really backed down from something like that before though, and Richie - a part of himself he hasn’t thought of in a long time, has never been good at ignoring his gut or someone in need.</p><p> </p><p>Buck stands stretching knowing he is likely in for a long night, “I’m in, what’s the plan?”. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chap will likely be introducing more characters and the five alarm fire and like maybe the firefam will meet Grace or just see her idk idk gotta keep the mystery alive even with my own brain. Truly if you got ideas or you want to talk at me about this universe because i have lots of thoughts but none like written in chap format you can come scream at me @GranttheVagrant ps how do yall feel about Buddie- i don’t have any plans for that although I personally head canon buck as bi and he likely will be in this story i have never written like good romance SO</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you want to know like timeline wise when things happen have fun with that i imagine loosely that buck gets kicked out- him and Maddie agree to go together however she doesn’t give him the Jeep ( just because i say so) so he goes to meet her at the hospital wherein she was still hurt by Doug. She decides to stay though because she doesn’t want him to know- Buck takes a bus out of town. He still works in construction but that happens first and then he goes to Georgia to work as a ranch hand wherein he gets his Jeep which he eventually replaces. From Georgia I think he goes to the SEALs and then from there to the CIA- he talks about buying postcards because she doesn’t want to tell her about the CIA thing until its serious. However she stops answering him back around this time anyways- so when he leaves the country he doesn’t leave her a letter or anything because he thinks she doesn’t care about him. He does have mission in Peru wherein he send her postcard from there. He stops in Hawaii after he leaves the CIA wherein he meets the Five Oh - then he heads to LA. Idk if that even makes sense but *shrugs* what can you do?  Also Grace and Buck are disaster friends take that however you will</p></blockquote></div></div>
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